How to handle being pregnant at work
Being pregnant is a special time in a woman’s life (when she’s not having to find things to be sick into, or feeling so tired she could fall asleep standing up. Or sitting down. She’s not fussy. She just wants to close her eyes for a few minutes tbh.)
Growing another human inside you is a job in itself. Trouble is, you have to combine it with the *other* day job. You know, the one that actually pays you money. Here’s our guide for first-timers as to what to look out for when you’re at work and expecting.
Would I lie to you? (yes)
The first few months it’s totally fine for you to weave an elaborate web of deception around your colleagues and friends at work. Most people like to keep their news to themselves the first 12 weeks, partly because a) they’re still figuring it all out and b) they don’t like to ‘announce’ anything until the first scan.
I’m queasy like Sunday morning. And Monday morning. And Tuesday….
Unfortunately, this period of pretending you’re not preggo coincides (for some women) with the period of feeling as though you are permanently strapped to the world’s biggest rollercoaster. On a floating island. Inside a snow globe being shaken by a toddler. On the plus side? It does ease up after a few months for most of us, plus you’ll surprise yourself with the creativity you show in finding ever-more-inventive places and receptacles into which you can vom.
You’d eat your co-workers if you thought they’d taste nice
The hunger. Oh the hunger. You can handle the tiredness (you can’t) but the irony of feeling as though you are constantly hollow (when in fact you’re slowly filling up like a Russian doll) is almost as amazing as the hunger itself.
Greggs is your friend
So here’s the good news: as a pregnant woman it is ENTIRELY your right/your duty to stuff your face at work. Ideally with your feet up on desk (helps fight swelling) while you attempt to lever a mahoosive sausage roll into your cakehole. If anyone complains? Fix them with your best stare and ask them if *they* have been growing a spine for another human today? Watch them shrivel. Good times.
People want to touch you
Your body has weirdly become public property, like a local park. People you don’t know will think that it is perfectly acceptable to put their hands on your belly. People you do know will also think that it is perfectly acceptable to put their hands on your belly. Like you’re a good luck charm or a ‘guess the weight’ jar at the local school fete. This is a good time to start practising your Death Stare to try and ward these people off, but be warned, touchers gonna touch.